I try to stay a believer: Sister Suzie

I try to stay a believer, I really do. It's just so very hard to wake up every day, knowing I will never see my brother's sweet face again, except in memories. I look at that word....except, and pray every day that the pain will become "accept", but it's still tearing me to pieces. I miss him so much. I went to his house yesterday to try and help Susie (ex-wife) pack up his things. I thought it might help me, but clearly it's brought me back to the reality of that horrific day when he took his life in that house.

I'm so stuck in my sadness. This morning I woke up feeling like I was weighted down by it. I couldn't stop crying. I kept telling myself that there are so many people in so much pain of their own that I should stop feeling sorry for myself in my loss, but it's not just that really. It's my feelings of grief for HIM. He won't be here to see his boys growing into their manhood, evolving, getting married, having families of their own and his becoming a grandfather. He would have been a wonderful grandfather. It would have been a totally different experience for him, just as it would have for my own father. Maybe I'm not seeing it the way it would really be, but that's what I have/had planted deeply in my hopes and dreams. That's what I would have wanted to have the chance to see for him/them and me. I am so sad for his sons and the loss they will have to live with. They were cheated of his growing old, just as I am with my own father who is also not here for those experiences in his life, except losing David is even more difficult to accept. If he had only been able to learn to live with his illness and take the meds required to help him from getting so ill. I guess it just wasn't in God's plan for him.

The holidays are always such a difficult time after losing someone you love so much. This past year was especially difficult for my family. We lost my Great Aunt Essie, then my Uncle David and now, the most painful loss of all, David. I pray that we will all get through it together and appreciate having each other. He was so sad and lost in his fear. I wanted him to be happy, truly happy. He was so desperately unhappy. He deserved to find joy in his life. He tried so hard, in his own quirky way, to be kind and responsible to others. He could be so funny and addictive to be around. David had so much talent and such a creative mind. What a waste.